Jelly Beans and Silly String

The Closet Looks So Inviting

to just sit and cry. And cry. And cry. But I've got a baby who gets bored every ten minutes and hungry every hour and a half. Maybe that's a good thing, keep my mind off things.

It started yesterday. I called my mom, she happened to be at Sonic getting ice for my GreatGrandma. I asked how things were, and she said, "I'll have to call you back about that." I knew deep down something wasn't right. But I shoved it to the back of my mind. Carried on with my day. Tried not to think about it.

Later that night after we had gone shopping, Carlee had started getting fussy. She kept acting like she wanted to eat, but I knew she had just eaten thirty minutes before. I tried to see if she needed to burp, I patted and rubbed her stomach, but nothing was working. So I gave in and fed her some more. After she ate AGAIN I sat her up to burp her. And then she threw up, everything. All over me, on the Boppy, on the couch, all over her. And then I heard her go to the bathroom. It was so loud, I knew that's what was hurting her stomach. I just sat there for a few seconds. In that instant I felt like such an inadequate mother. I knew I shouldn't of fed her again. I knew.

I finally got up, and got her cleaned off. Gave her a bath while I was still covered with it. Dried her, clothed her, handed her to daddy. "I need to take a shower," I said, almost in tears, but he didn't notice. So I did, I got in the shower and cried. I thought it was just the stress at the time, and then this morning I realized it wasn't just that. This morning, I realized that my mother's words from yesterday had stuck in the back of my mind...

Because it was this morning that I finally heard what she couldn't tell me yesterday, "They're giving her a week........"

A week. that's all. A blink of an eye. One breath and the world changes. ONE WEEK. I knew though. I realized that when I finally heard her words and took them in... I knew that I had known. It was right there in the back of my head, just waiting to be said out loud.

My greatgrandma. Such a wonderful woman who's held on for so long. I cried. I had hoped to see her at least one more time. We had planned on going back home for a visit really soon, but it won't be in time. I won't get to say goodbye. I should have gone home sooner. I wanted her to meet her latest great-great-grandbaby. I wanted Carlee to meet her.

But I realize how lucky I am to have even had the chance to know and grow up with my greatgrandma. Not many people even get that chance. I remember when we were little, she would watch us after school, make us snacks, let us watch cartoons. She made the best enchiladas. She inspired me with her religious devotion. Every time she was ever in the hospital, she laid there saying her prayers. Even when she got older and couldn't do as much, she was still so stubborn, insisting to wash her own dishes even. :) I can hear her laugh when we'd tell her how pretty she looked after getting her hair done. I can hear the way she'd say my name, more like singing it. She always blessed us when we left the house... I guess that's why I do it now, whenever anyone leaves mine, say a silent prayer. And I've been praying all morning. The same thing over and over...

Please, Lord, let it be painless. Forgive her of all of her sins so that she may enter heaven instantly like she deserves. Let her know how much we love her and always will.

I wish I could be there Grandma....

posted by *s* @ 1:13 PM